Limerance
Hi I’ve listened about your unconscious bonds and I know you talk about limerance but could we learn more about how to overcome this, as I feel like I need to leave a relationship and find myself also in a cycles of limerance with others and idk why nor want to. Makes me feel like a really bad person and would like to stop it but too ashamed to speak to therapist about it atm I am worried of being judged. Here feels like only safe space for now. Thanks!
Familiarity to ‘inconsistency’
If we have a familiarity to inconsistency due to childhood conditioning (emotional abandonment, dismissive parent) and we have been healing and becoming very self aware that we are wired for inconsistency and unpredictability, the emotional highs and lows…..but we are now in a healthy relationship, and that pattern is clearer than ever, I feel like our bodies can crave the familiar chaos, we can be addicted biochemically to the emotions, to the adrenaline, cortisol and dopamine that inconsistent relationships bring to us. Once we are aware that this is our pattern and that although the pattern feels familiar, we do gravitate towards people who can help us play out those patterns from the past, hoping for a better outcome in the present, we understand repetition compulsion, how do we start to release our addiction to these chemicals? Prioritising peace and releasing our own inner volatility is 2 huge parts, but I’d love it if you could go into the biochemical part of this pattern, and when our bodies will stop craving the chemicals? Is it by keeping bringing our baseline level of stress down? Thanks so much x
Why do i still struggle so much with letting go even though there was abuse involved?
Hey! I still struggle with grief and sometimes rumination about my break-up. The relationship continued for almost 4 years (with breaks) and had ups and downs. My ex partner has a dismissive avoidant attachement style which he does not want to work on, as well as some other maladaptive coping mechanisms that included verbally abusing me when he was triggered (e.g. shut the fuck up, go bury your feelings in the trash where they belong, you are a stupid piece of shit“) . When NOT triggered, he was a very loving person and then i did feel loved by him. It‘s like there‘s two persons in one and when he reacted in these unhealthy ways, he blamed it on me most of the time. I am in therapy and working on myself , so all of these things as well as my needs not being met due to his avoidance led to me breaking up with him. But it‘s still so painful. I miss the good times and the things i loved about him and a part of me actually still misses the feeling i had with him (attachement issues say hello) and this part is still hoping that one day, he might just come to me and suddenly want to work on all this stuff as well. Because there were many good things as well. I also often ruminate about what i could or should have done differently and if i am this terrible person he told me to be in his triggered moments. Why is it still so hard to let go? Why do i still miss spending time and laughing and cuddling with him when sometimes he did not treat me well at all?
Nervous system dysregulated
I feel dsyregulated all the time recently and I don’t know why. Even if I do somatic shaking it only temporarily gets rid of the shaky feeling in my body. How can I connect to my body and understand why I am feeling like this? It’s so frustrating and having an impact on my sleep. I do meditation every day and I get out for my 10k steps and go to the gym. I’m trying to do everything right but still the dysregulated feeling is there. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.