Over 40 struggling to date
I have a dating history of avoidant men-mainly long situationships. I have been in therapy on n off for 10 years more on than off. During the covid pandemic I did a lot of work to look at my dating history and patterns. I put a list of boundaries in place- most what you discuss in your podcast. Since then and it could be linked to turning 40, I’m having trouble getting dates. I’m on a well known app and paying site, I have no problem getting matches, likes etc but the conversation dries up after a couple of exchanges and they dont reply to my message. Prior to no boundaries I was pretty good at getting dates. Help, I cant think what has changed other than putting boundaries in place. I’m now 41 in the last 18 months I’ve been on two separate dates.
HELP! I am now the Avoidant!
Long story short - I was anxiously attached and my ex was an avoidant. He broke up with me after 1.5 years of being together as he felt that we were incompatible in our communication styles [yes, of course we were. He was an avoidant. I was the doormat; trying everything to work things out, trying to communicate nicely etc. Feeling like I was the problem]. Now I know I did everything I can in that relationship, and it wasn't meant to be, and it wasn't my fault since he was the avoidant although he made me feel like I was the problem, during the breakup. Its been 10 months, I am on my healing journey. I feel so amazing. Everytime I thought I miss him, I learnt that I do miss being in a relationship, not him in particular. Right now as I'm moving on, because of the energy, the time, the love and the money I put into myself and my healing journey, being the "ME" right now is too precious and any man that I talk to at some level I realize that I am being the avoidant now because I don't want to let my healing journey go to waste. So I realize forever in my life that I will always keep a distance in my next relationships simply because of what it took for me to heal. So yes, I believe I am now the avoidant. My question is, I am worried that moving forward, i would get 'worse' in my avoidancy because of how much care I am putting into myself now.
Why can't I get over my last situationship?
Back in October I met this guy on Bumble and we hit it off. I didn't ask what he was looking for at the beginning because I didn't learn that was important until a few weeks later when I heard it on the podcast. So a few weeks in I asked the dreaded question and he said he didn't know what he was looking for. He had recently come out of a 2 year relationship and didn't have any intentions when he joined Bumble. He wanted to date and see if it materialised into "something". He said he wasn't looking for casual sex, wasn't thinking of seeing other people and he wasn't "opposed" to the idea of a relationship. However he also said that because of how he now viewed his last relationship and stats/facts he knew about dating/marriages etc from podcasts and stuff he reads, he didn't believe a relationship was possible in this day and age, which I found quite contradictory and sad at the same time. But of course when I heard all of that I, with my anxious attachment, decided that I was gonna be the one to change his mind. Fast forward 4 months and I realised I wasn't getting what I wanted and it wasn't my job to change his mind. I finally accepted we were on different pages and told him so. He apologised several times for being difficult and said he was truly lost when it came to relationships. He told me that I was a great person in every regard and that I deserved better. I deleted his number but left the door open from his end. I asked him to hit me back up if at some point in the future he had more clarity. I said I wouldn't be able to contact him because I was gonna delete everything (and I did!) but that I'd be willing to give this another go if at some point in the future we were on the same page and I wasn't seeing anyone else. This happened 1,5 months ago and I keep thinking about him every single day. I'm going on dates and trying to keep busy but I just can't stop thinking about him. I know I wasn't in love and he wasn't treating me the way I deserved. I keep going back and I know I made the right decision but I still can't get him off my mind. I fantasise with the idea of running into him and I know he hasn't deleted my number because he keeps showing up on my insta recommendations and we don't have any friends in common or any other connection. I think I'm secretly waiting for him to realise his mistake and come back but of course I have no guarantee thats gonna happen or that if it does things will be different. Why can't I forget about him? Is it still too recent? Is it the hope that he'll come back? What can do to get him off my mind? Thank you so much xx
Red Flags or Healthy Arguments?
I’ve been with my partner for about 10 months now and typically our communication is very strong. However, recently I have noticed traumas from my past relationships have effected my current relationship. To start, my partner has a couple of female friends that he has clear boundaries with and is always transparent about. Even though we have had multiple conversations regarding this I can’t help but get jealous and I can notice my mood shift whenever he mentions them. I know this jealousy is rooted in trauma from my ex, as he cheated on me for an entire year with said “friends”. I know that is not the case with this parter and it’s not fair for me to punish him for my ex’s mistakes but I don’t know how to emotionally accept it. I have set boundaries and he respects them but I feel like I will end up pushing him away if I can learn to accept this as a healthy part of our relationship.
My dating history - Men that doesnt make as much money as me
I previously posted a "help. I am now the avoidant" question. I now look into my dating history and found a juicy realization - I date men that doesnt make as much money as me. Girl I need advice. I am able to get men that would make a higher income than me but when that happens, I find myself being insecure because I am confident that I am a kind loving person. But I dont believe that that is enough to make a man stay. I don't feel like I'm the one in control. So I take up men that doesnt make as much money than me because I believe in love and I genuinely love them however when it comes to breaking up, I find myself being heartbroken emotionally but not enough to shake my whole world - because I was more financially stable and independent than them. So overall I felt like I was more in control with life than them and my feelings in a relationship are independent of my feelings rather than my life. As such, I avoid men that makes more money so that I wouldnt feel as hurt as I would if I ever know I lost a man that can take care of me. Now I know this is a problem because I want someone that can also take care of me financially and the father of my kids to be a leader of the household. So far with my dating history, I am the "leader" (although I pretend to give them the reigns though deep down in a man's world I can lead better than them). I believe that there is something within me that is worried about losing control and not knowing what is enough for a man to stay if I ever choose a man that makes more money than me.